what I want now?
I'm having a carefree life that I have been wanting during poly life.

But working seems to be the huddle now. I want to study instead but capital not enough.
I want work with my interest but the reality jobs does not interest me enough.

Mayb I'm too "smart" that dun see to like anything.

Since I graduate, manga has consumed my life for now... With the fantasies that I desire since secondary life.
A sweet love life but I dun hav the body that guys would spare a sec to look at so I'm lonely till now...
I dun mind cus I hav a bunch of frens that I considered a "friend"... Now I'm losing one without my conscience at all.
Wads the cause? Me talking too much abt "logic"... And it makes her spin off.
This is not I want at all. I want my close fren to know wad I'm thinking cus I dun wan to lose any connection with any of them.

Ace is right.

Ever since all of us are out of RP... Everything change.
Environment, society view, our future tgt, even our connection.
Shall I get out from here???Cus I'm feeling out of place, I'm an outcasw here. I'm de Least connected cable within us.

I'm a dreamy type person, sometimes I dun beat abt de bush cus that's not need to, for me at least. Cus I'm sick of ppl beating around de bush.

i know I had directly hurt my fren, she knows that I had said those to help her but is too much for her...

People wanted them to be accepted by ppl and accept others too. Ppl have flaws, to become frens, accept is one thing, compromise is another thing.

One of my bad pts is that everything shows on my face, emotions, reason for each action and etc. My body just reject the idea of covering... The only thing is that it really knows how to avoid letting friends to see me cry, I dun cry infront of the ppl I know who care for me cus I dun want them to worry. I always cry alone in my dark room with my hubby's posters.
When ever I cry, I always lean my head against the wall which have massu's poster cus he's my dream man.

One of my dream is to have a boyf who can accept my childishness and let me cry in their chest and he use his warm hands to pat in my back and head while calming me down. And I would many jus drift to slumber in his arms.
Wad a childish dream isnt it? But that's the most simplest wish that I want to happen.

Or even better, a fren I can lean on also good, when I'm with jia and Clara, I always want them to comfort me with tight hugs. I love them really much. I want to show them my girly characters(well, they always say I'm innocent and pure though,wahaha)
Since we have not much secrets between us (only that I nvr told them, my frens all dunno,or they know bah. 4gt whether I got told them or not)
I always the one who is stronger and protective for them, cus they felt those frm me.

Well, all this concludes that I'm a lonely person... I just wanted someone to be beside me when I needed him/her.

Recently, When I look myself in de mirror, I see cold, emptiness and no slight of happiness in it. Thanks to recent events, I couldn't meet my eyes with my brothers and dad, or should I rephrase, " I dun want to meet my eyes with them".
If I meet my eyes with them, my eyes will turn colder than usual...
Recently, when I'm outside, I'm more colder than usual...I dun feel warmth around me much...I can't even smile properly and with the correct feeling.at times I laughed cus I feel that if I dun smile/laugh, my fren will sort of asking "wad happened?" or "you are not yourself today?"

When I have a heart problem with my close friend. Why must I be the one who have to say sorry. Why can't he/she be the one to speaks up. Why must I be the one who break the fucking ice wall? Is it bcus I'm too nice? I'm to easy to be move around? Or is it bcus I'm easy-going?

I wish to be the one who ppl will step up to me and say "sorry for treating u this way" and tell me the reasons what ad why I done wrong. Not by a mutual fren or by other mouths.

I do think alot or positive and negative consequences, I do want to use the better way to prevent the least consequence.

I was always being said to use
More brain than use act recklessly. When heart issues came off, I use my brain alot but in de end I was being said that I shouldn't use my brain too much and use the simplest way to deal it. Now wads wrong?

Although I feel warmth when I'm with my cliques, is only temporary.

I told isa-chan that I will return back to the usual happy-go-lucky hi-chan...
But seriously, is hard...

Real hard bcus they freeze my heart and cus cracks with it. And cracks can't be cured forever, even it heals, scars are left behind.

I wonder how many scars that I had till now? 10? 20? Or 30?

My eyes and heart were cold but the overwhelming of the deep spot in the lonely soul of mine still make me tearing at times...does that still consider that I'm still a living human or I'm just a human with a cold heart.

Who can warm up my heart again? Please fire it up.

Mayb is lyk wad ace said before. I had a snowcap on me... But is not on my head but my heart.

life has been normal for me...
eat, slp, work, fun.

but i've been told that i'm pushing myself to live everyday.
i'm pushing myself to stay happy and cheerful.

In fact, yes, i am not happy during times and i used ways to throw those feelings.
Recently, i feel im quite emotionless towards ppl but not to my friends cus i dun wan them worry.
plus lonely, yes, i am.worry not bothering them makes me refrain myself to chat with them.

took ace's personality test.
im a fox- cunning, smart
my future desire partner is a dog- loyal, caring
im dependent to others.
i can keep secrets.

well, i guess is 50-50 correct.

i cant say im smart but i have small lvl of intellegence.
 cunning. well. my mouth is cunning in someway that im too naive and straightforward in using words to speak.

frens' secrets are always keep within me if they are not to be revealed.
i depend on others to give me warmth and happiness.

i want a loyal and caring partner as i dun trust ppl easily unless they are very very close to me.

hope things can change to good stuffs.

but im faced with 2 problems .
one is career... stable career...i wan my stable career with my stars.
now is all part-times, part-times, part-times but i dun find a suitable one which interest me. hope i can find one.

de other.
i dun want lose another person close with my life.
i've lost it twice...i've somehow retrieve one but barely..
the other is that i lost my trust to her...which made me really sad till now even though i nvr spoke abt her since i lost her.
really, i dun wanna lost u my dear...
im willing to apologize to you.

hope things will change for the better...